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he says...she says...
what should they do?
Mark and Sharon have been married for five years. Mark has recently
started smoking again, over Sharon’s objections.
she says...
Smoking is a “deal breaker” for me
Sharon says: Mark was a smoker when I met him, but
stopped when I told him it was a “deal breaker” for me in a
relationship. My grand-father and two uncles died of
smoking-related cancers and I don’t want to watch anyone else I
love, particularly my husband, go through that nightmare. Also,
although he’s been hiding it from our children, they’re going to
find out – and it’s setting a horrible example for them.
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he says...
I need to smoke to reduce stress
Mark says: Look, I know I should quit. I started smoking
again because I was stressed out by a huge new project at work,
and almost everyone else there smokes. I try not to do it in
front of Sharon or the kids, but smoking is a relaxing thing for
me. I only stopped in the first place to please Sharon, but now
I am getting tired of her nagging. I’ll quit as soon as this big
project at work is over – I can quit whenever I want. |
 The
counselor says: Sharon was initially aware that Mark was a
smoker while they were dating and did not accept Mark as he was.
What she also did not factor into her ultimatum, or “deal
breaker” equation, is that Mark quit smoking to keep her and
that smoking becomes a progressively addictive behavior. Mark
quit smoking to make Sharon happy. Changing one’s behavior to
please someone else usually is not an everlasting change because
the reason for quitting is externally motivated. Even Jesus
Christ wants us to be internally inspired to change our
behavior.
Through counseling, Mark can come to the understanding that
smoking reduces his life expectancy and his second-hand smoke
may lead to serious health problems for Sharon and their
children. Mark may also have issues with an addictive
personality trait that could be addressed through counseling.
Oftentimes, eliminating one addictive behavior will only allow
it to be replaced with an alternate addictive behavior because
the underlying problem is not addressed. Addictive personalities
enslave us to the behavior that controls us. The behavior
becomes the master and we become the slave. Look at 2 Peter
2:19: “They promise them freedom, though they themselves are
slaves of corruption, for a person is a slave of whatever
overcomes him.” While Mark says he can overcome smoking at any
time, it is far too easy to slide back into bondage. Mark should
pray daily and ask God to give him the strength to resist
temptation to smoke and ask for forgiveness if he should slip.
Sharon needs to understand that this will be a daily challenge
for Mark and he’ll rely on her support and forgiveness. There
are physiological, psychological and spiritual, challenges ahead
for them both as Mark overcomes this battle.
Email questions
and comments to:
marriage@faithmag.com
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romance |
Romantic Meditations
Seek out inspirational literature. Read your favorite passages
together or take turns reading to each other. Some suggestions:
Moments Together for Couples, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey and
Rekindle the Passion While Raising Your Kids, by Anthony Garcia. |
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time |
Put your home to work
Home equity loans or lines of credit can be a good way to put
your home’s equity to work for you by consolidating existing
debt. |
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money |
Loyal and true
Unquestionable loyalty to a spouse is a hallmark of a good
marriage: Loyalty that places our marriage partner above all
others. Loyalty that has a blind eye to their faults. Loyalty to
be there during good times and in bad times. Loyalty to honor
the pledge of commitment made on the wedding day. |
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communication |
Multi-task for more time
Learn to multi-task. Multi-tasking is good if done for the right
reason. Multi-tasking aimed at strengthening a family, thereby
allowing greater time to be spent together, is good.
Multi-tasking aimed at squeezing yet another activity into an
already busy schedule is wrong and self-destructive. |
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