|
he says...she says...
what
should they do?
Sandi and William have been married for 20 years and have one
child, Brooke. Brooke recently moved away from home for the first
time to attend college, leaving Sandi and William alone for the first
time in years.
she says...
I want more romance
Sandi says: William and I married
when I was 22 and he was 29. I had just finished college and
William was on the corporate track at the bank. I had our daughter
when I had just turned 23. Brooke is wonderful; however, becoming
parents early in our marriage meant that William and I had very
little time for romance - all of our energy was focused
on our daughter. Now that she’s moved out, I had hoped
we could renew the spark of intimacy. But William is always
too busy or tired. He says he loves me, but never wants to express
that physically. I love him, but his lack of interest hurts
my feelings and makes me feel undesirable and unattractive. |
|
he says...
I'm too tired
William says: I love Sandi, but she needs to understand
that I am completely exhausted at the end of the day. Most of
the time, after we’ve eaten dinner and watched a little
television, all I want to do is go to bed and fall asleep. I
was recently promoted to regional vice president of my bank
and it’s demanding all my physical and mental energy.
I know Sandi would like to make love more often, but frankly,
I’m just not as interested as I used to be. It’s
wonderful when we are together, but Sandi’s constant requests
are beginning to make me feel pressured and resentful. I want
to be a good husband, but I don’t know how right now.
|
The
counselor says: This is a very common mid-life occurrence.
Some of it is biological - a man’s libido decreases
as he moves through his middle years and a woman’s increases
as she approaches menopause. Sandi and William need to talk
openly about these physical changes.
William may want to consult his physician to make sure there
are no health issues causing his decreased desire and then begin
a regime of healthy diet and exercise, both of which contribute
to a healthy sex life. Sandi could join him in an exercise program
such as walking, during which they would have time to talk in
a relaxed setting.
Sexual intimacy is a form of communication, in which the partners
express their love and commitment to each other. Sandi is interpreting
William’s lack of interest in physical intimacy as a lack
of interest in her. William may want to reassure Sandi verbally
that he finds her beautiful and desirable and that she is his
beloved. Thus reassured, Sandi may be able to better work with
William in establishing a pattern for their sexual relationship
that satisfies both of them.
Most importantly, Sandi and William should remember that marriage
is a sacramental gift from God, reflecting God’s passionate
love for his people. As parents, they have joined themselves
to God’s act of creation and as spouses, they reflect
God’s love to each other and to those they meet. There
are many ways for Sandi and William to express that love -
sexually and otherwise. In their prayer lives, they should continue
to ask for God’s grace in helping them love each other
as God loves them.
Email questions
and comments to:
marriage@faithmag.com
|
|
romance |
| Grab eight sticky notes or small pieces
of paper and two pens. Sit down with your spouse and ask him
to list four things that would brighten his day (within reason).
Better yet, identify four things you will do for her that would
really be appreciated. |
|
time |
| No time to talk? Try doing the grocery shopping
together, or taking the laundry to the Laundromat. You can get
chores done and have time to communicate while you’re
waiting for the dryer to buzz or the check-out line to move. |
|
money |
Savings basics:
• Long Term, retirement: IRA, 401k.
• Save for emergency: short term emergency cash fund,
your safety net.
• Save for a purpose: down payment on something, a trip,
a project or to move into an investment.
• Save to spend:
Yeah! Save, but don’t hoard. |
| ccommunication |
| Rekindle the fire of love. Watch a movie
and munch some popcorn in the same theater you saw your first
“date” movie. |
|
|