Recently, at the high school where I’m
chaplain, one of our students committed suicide. It was one of
the most difficult times I have experienced in my six years at
the school. I am writing this column about suicide in response
to a question mailed to me. The answer comes from being a part
of the slow and painful healing process that everyone goes through
when someone chooses to take his or her life. Please pray today
that all of us will grow in our ability to know our value in the
eyes of God. May Jesus bless you today.
Dear Father Joe: What do I do if a friend is suicidal?
Tough times, obviously - you have my prayers.
Now, what do you do?
First of all, you have to recognize that you are in an important
position as a friend. If you know your friend is suicidal, then
one of two things is true: One possibility is that your friend
told you that he is thinking of suicide. If that is the case,
then that means your friend has trusted you with his secret. You
have earned something great because of the way you care, and that
speaks very well of you. The second possibility is that you have
watched your friend and picked up on subtle signs that something
is amiss, and that you see the possibility of her hurting herself.
If that is the case, this also speaks well of you; you are an
observant, sensitive person who is aware of your friends at a
time in your life when it is hard not to be self-focused. I am
telling you these things, because you need to keep them in your
heart, as things are about to get rough.
The first step is to be sure that you are talking with your friend
about his or her feelings; “How are you doing today? Is
there anything I can do?” Questions like this are an invitation
to take what is hidden in the darkness and bring them out into
the light. They are more than questions; they are a statement
of care and concern. As your friend shares his heart with you,
make sure that you are really listening. Find out what is going
on and what you can do to help. Often, the best thing you can
do to help is to be available and offer him all your love and
Now, if in your conversations, you realize that she is serious
about taking her own life, you need to be sure and be present
to her as much as you can. Get a group of trusted people to stay
close while you take the next step, which is the difficult one.
See, the next step is that you need to take this to an adult.
The hardest part here will be your feelings of guilt about breaking
a confidence. It could also be that you are thinking “Well,
I could be wrong and if I am, I’ll really embarrass my friend.”
I think it’s worth it, don’t you? Suicide is a permanent
condition. There are no second chances in a situation like this.
It is much better to make an error on the side of caution than
to be at a funeral and wonder what you could have done.
With that in your heart and mind, then, be sure and talk to a
trusted adult; a good option would seem to be your friend’s
parents, assuming they are not part of the problem. If you can’t
talk to them, you may want to talk to your own parents. In fact,
you may want to talk to your parents first. Sometimes, they may
have suggestions about who should be told about this situation.
There is also the possibility of talking to one of your teachers,
or the counselor at school. There are so many people you can go
to in a situation like this - make sure you take this step!
Now, if the person is threatening to kill himself at that moment,
don’t hesitate - pick up the phone and call 9-1-1.
Don’t worry about “wasting their time.” I assure
you, the numerous police officers I have talked to on this issue
would rather respond to a call to prevent a teen suicide than
a call to report one.
Some people will tell you, “Well, she’s only doing
it to get attention,” and that may very well be the case.
However, if she is only “doing it to get attention,”
then she must need attention pretty badly, because talking about
killing yourself is a pretty drastic step. Don’t use the
possibility of “attention-getting” as a reason to
step away, let it compel you even more to get involved. Any time
a person threatens to kill herself, or says he wants to be dead,
you should take it very seriously.
If you are reading this and struggling with suicidal thoughts
yourself, make sure you talk to someone who can help: your parents,
your priest or teacher, a friend; anyone who can help.
Life is a precious, beautiful gift - we all need to take
care of and cherish that gift the best we can.
Enjoy another day in God’s presence!
- Father Joseph Krupp