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he says...she says...
what
should they do?
Chuck and Elaine are newlyweds. When
they go out for the evening, Elaine lays out clothes
for Chuck to wear. This is causing some resentment
on Chuck’s part.
she says...
He doesn’t know how to dress right
without my help
Elaine says: I love Chuck,
but let’s face it, he’s no fashion
model. If I didn’t lay out his
clothes for him sometimes, he can
look like a geek. For example, when
we went to a friend’s wedding last
month, Chuck would have worn his
jeans, white socks and sneakers. To
a wedding! He can look stunning when
he dresses up - I don’t see why he
can’t just take some advice. |
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he says...
She’s not my mother - I can
pick my own clothes
Chuck says: It’s not fashion
advice; it’s more like the fashion
police. Elaine neglected to mention
that the wedding was an outdoor
barbeque - yes, some of the guests
were dressed up, but there were
certainly a number of them in jeans.
When Elaine lays clothes out on the
bed for me to wear, it makes me feel
as if I’m a 5-year-old. Elaine is my
wife - not my mother. |
The expert says: This
problem seems pretty simple and
straightforward. However, early
in a marriage this can be a red
flag for possible trouble later.
How we handle these early issues
lays the groundwork for Chuck’s
and Elaine’s future marital
relationship.
I am a big believer in
communication. Chuck gives us a
good idea of how he perceives
the fashion advice. He does not
view it as helpful or necessary.
It is important for newly
married couples to discuss
openly and honestly their roles
and responsibilities. I wonder
if Elaine takes on the mothering
role in other situations.
Sometimes this seems a natural
role for the woman in a
relationship, but it can be
overwhelming when we mother
those who are capable of
handling their own decisions and
actions. And in a few years,
when there are children to
raise, it is possible Elaine
will grow to resent her
perceived need to ‘mother’
Chuck. She and he need to be
partners to each other, not
parents. This is part of the
beauty of God’s plan for married
couples.
Occasionally, we all need
empathy and support from our
partners, but this support
should be clearly requested or
offered - and not expected - by
either partner.
The roles in a new marriage need
to be mutually acceptable and
beneficial. Communication is
critical. It is often easy to
let these little aggravations go
and avoid handling them. After
all, it’s only ‘suggesting’ how
one should look or dress. Chuck
may think, “I‘m making a
mountain out of a molehill.”
Resist this temptation to
minimize the feelings and the
issue. I don’t think you can
over-communicate in a marriage.
What we do know is that we can
under-communicate. That happens
all the time - with negative
results.
It is important to set clear
expectations in relationships.
Using the speaker/listener
technique is often a helpful way
to communicate these
expectations. First, set a time
aside to discuss issues
privately and regularly. Listen
to your partner. Then repeat
back what you heard. Ask for
confirmation from your partner
regarding the issue at hand: Is
what I understood what you
really said or meant? Then
respond: This is how this issue
makes me feel.
So would it have been so awful
if Chuck were not the fashion
model at the wedding? Probably
not. Would Chuck be willing to
dress so Elaine finds him more
attractive? I bet he would! Had
they talked first, a compromise
could have been reached. They
could learn from each other what
really matters in their
relationship - and it’s not
clothes.
Please remember that if you and
your partner find yourselves in
a situation where you are unable
to resolve your marital issues
with these techniques,
professional counseling help is
recommended. Your local Catholic
Charities agency can help.
Email questions and comments
to:
marriage@faithmag.com
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romance |
What’s
that in the fridge?
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you
opened the refrigerator and
found a bouquet of flowers with
your name on it? Or a special
card taped to the steering wheel
of the car? Your spouse would
like that, too! |
|
money |
Life
has no guarantees
True, but we are supposed to
plan prudently. Make sure your
insurance coverage is adequate
to replace your home at its full
value if some catastrophe
occurs. Keep a list of all your
personal possessions - even
better with photos - in a
location away from home, like a
safe deposit box. |
|
communication |
Take a
hike
Sometimes it’s hard to find time
to communicate - especially if
you want to talk about the kids
and they’re right there
underfoot! If they are old
enough to stay home alone for a
few minutes, take a walk
together. The quiet and lack of
distraction leads to better
conversation. Can’t leave the
kids? Try sitting on the front
porch instead. |
|
time |
It’s about
time!
Fool the brain to fuel the
relationship. Discover in your daily
routine what doesn’t get canceled,
postponed, or delayed. Maybe it is
taking medicine or watching the
evening news. Re-label it and enter
it on your calendar, i.e. “Take
relationship medicine for us”, or
“Watch my sweetheart across the
table.” |
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