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he says... she says...
what should they do?
Katherine and David have been married for eight years. Katherine
just discovered that David has a bank account in his own name that
she had not known about.
he says...
I thought we shared everything
David says: I don’t understand why Katherine is so upset -
it’s not like the phone calls I get are any big deal, but they
are mine and not hers. We aren’t joined at the hip - I’m allowed
to have some privacy, aren’t I? As it happens, the bank account
Katherine found was money I’ve been setting aside to surprise
her with a cruise for our anniversary. But frankly, given the
big scenes she’s made about this, I’m not sure I even want to go
on a trip with her! |
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she says...
It’s my money
Katherine says: I have been bothered by David’s
secretiveness throughout our marriage; for example, he will
never tell me who was on the phone when he finishes a
conversation. But I was devastated when I found a bank book in
his desk while I was cleaning the office. It’s in David’s name
only and there’s a substantial sum of money in it. I thought
marriage was supposed to be a partnership. But I feel
marginalized and betrayed. What else is he keeping secret? |
Expert Says: When ideas are not
communicated and then discovered inadvertently by your spouse,
there is a whole lot of explaining to do! Is it just poor
judgment or is it “busted!?”
The first comment made by Katherine was a red flag to Tom. Was
David’s secretiveness a continuation of an existing pattern
while dating and during the engagement period, or is this a new
behavior? Most often, habits and behaviors are a continuation of
existing patterns set long before a marriage. Sometimes, our
strongest and most endearing qualities and attributes prior to
marriage becomes our major weaknesses after marriage.
The one question most couples don’t ask themselves prior to
marriage is, “What if the current behaviors and patterns
continue for the rest of our married life - can I live with it
exactly as I know it today?”
In marriage, spouses get to experience the other’s most intimate
details - that means it is critical to really understand the
person you are marrying prior to the wedding day. What you see
is really what you get!
Secrecy is the cornerstone of mistrust - especially within the
context of marriage. When the wall begins to form between
spouses you can rest assured the cornerstone will be mistrust.
That cornerstone has a way of attracting other building material
that would normally be given little consideration. But attached
to the mistrust cornerstone, they become bonded and meaningful
to building the wall. For example, David’s phone conversations
by themselves would not be significant except for the
cornerstone of mistrust. The secretiveness of the phone calls
bond with the cornerstone of mistrust to create a formidable
barrier to communication and couple growth. Once the wall begins
to be built, people would be surprised at what is put into the
mix to make it even more formidable; items such as a letter
addressed only to David and not to Katherine, David working
unusually late at his job, David wanting to spend a weekend away
fishing with his buddies, or a bank book that Katherine didn’t
know about. Regardless how innocent these extra events/items are
on the surface once they are placed next to the cornerstone of
mistrust, there is serious work needed by both parties, David
and Katherine, to chip away and remove the wall.
In reviewing both David and Katherine’s comments, it struck us
that communication is not one of their strengths. It appears
there is a lot of “assuming” between them and very little “fact
finding”. It might have helped if Katherine would first ask
David about the bank account and let him explain the situation.
Maybe indeed it was for a surprise anniversary cruise, in which
case Katherine would be delighted and pleased, yet a little
embarrassed at discovering his special surprise. Given his
reactions at her being upset (now not wanting to take her on the
cruise) our belief is that his story was a not quite accurate
and that Katherine’s thoughts might have some validity. If it
were truly going to be a surprise and a special event, discovery
may be disappointing, but it shouldn’t be viewed as a deal
breaker. |
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romance |
Romance
Try going on a date in the “next town over.” Go to dinner, or
see an attraction somewhere that requires some extra drive time.
Make a little adventure out of it and go just far enough to feel
free from the daily stressors. Have a collection of some of your
favorite romantic music on hand. Use the extra travel time to
talk and just enjoy each other’s company. |
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money |
TThat’s entertainment!
Eating out is fun and has become increasingly popular. But a
candlelit dinner for two at your own table can be very romantic
and save you money. To save a little money, eliminate one dinner
out a week and eat in instead. |
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communication |
GGood marriage
You want to celebrate Christmas in your own home this year. He
wants to go to his mother’s for the Christmas he’s always known.
Holidays can be high-stress when your expectations are
different. Set aside time to discuss your “perfect” Christmas,
and make sure both of you get a little of what’s most important.
Maybe this year at home and next year at your mother-in-law’s! |
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time |
Shop and spend together. &
Develop an ability to shop with your spouse; be it in a clothing
store or hardware store. Shopping doesn’t need to be expensive
(window shopping is free) and spending doesn’t need to break the
bank. Walking together and exchanging ideas and thoughts tend to
build strong relationships and lasting bonds. |
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