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he says... she says...
what should they do?
 Patrick and Eileen have been married for 30 years. Their
daughter recently had a baby girl – Patrick’s and Eileen’s first
grandchild. But now they have to decide what being a grandparent
really means.
he says...
We’ve already raised our children – it’s not our turn
Patrick says: Sometimes, I do think Eileen has lost her
mind. I love my children, and I love my new granddaughter. But
we are finished with child-rearing – it’s not our turn anymore.
Doesn’t Eileen remember how exhausting it is to answer an
infant’s every demand, to chase after a toddler? I do not want a
house full of playpens and high chairs – no daycare! |
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she says...
Finally, a grandchild! I can’t wait to baby-sit.
Eileen says:
I was absolutely thrilled when our daughter, Karen, had a
baby. Finally, we get the chance to be grandparents – and to
have a baby in the house again. Karen is going back to work in
three months and asked me if I could provide child care. I’d
love to, but Patrick acts as if I’ve lost my mind. |
Expert says: Having experienced a
similar situation with our grandchildren, we can “expertly” say
there is no easy solution! It is solvable, but it takes
considerable discussion and communication between Patrick and
Eileen first – and then with Karen and her husband. Patrick and
Eileen need to share their feelings about parenthood,
remembering back to when Karen and her siblings were small and
needing constant care. Then they need to evaluate their current
health and capabilities (mental and physical) and the
circumstance at this time in their lives. Are they retired or
soon to retire, or do they live a very active lifestyle where
added child care would be disruptive and become
counterproductive to their marriage relationship?
Being a grandparent is wonderful and a blessing. You have all
the pleasures of being around small children again – playing
childhood games, reading children’s stories, watching them grow
and expand their horizons, and being a “wisdom” person to them.
You have greater patience with grandchildren, and, in some
cases, you have the luxury of handing them back over to their
parents when you get tired. But not always!
Patrick has a point; he and Eileen have finished their primary
child-rearing. However, it is also true that grandparents have
additional responsibilities and the opportunity to participate
in child-rearing in a way that is different from being a parent.
Grandparents are an integral component of a child’s sphere of
influence. Grandparents are in a unique position to offer
advice, provide wisdom and become a safe haven for their
grandchildren. They can be sources of inspiration,
encouragement, stability and holiness for grandchildren who may
not experience it from their parents. Applied broadly,
child-rearing is never complete as long as there is still one
child on this earth. God has blessed society with children, and
it is up to each human adult to help these young children grow
into maturity and become good citizens in the kingdom of God.
Prior to committing to full-time child care for their
grandchildren, Patrick and Eileen would be wise to establish
specific boundaries. Parents should recognize and respect that
“grandparent” is not synonymous with “free baby-sitter.” We
recommend that Patrick and Eileen start out as part-time,
temporary, “emergency” care providers. This will give them the
time to determine if this is a good fit for their marriage
relationship. Even after 30 years, their marriage relationship
comes first – first before parenthood and first before
grandparenthood. Patrick’s and Eileen’s love for each other and
their commitment to each other is the very thing they need to
pass on to their own children and grandchildren. |
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romance |
Surprise!
Don’t underestimate simple gestures of gratitude like
sending a flower to your spouse. Surprise him/her by delivering
it in person. The day needs no other significance than to say,
“Thanks! I love you!” You might even make your spouse blush with
pleasure. |
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money |
Pay it off faster!
If you’re looking for a way to quickly pay off the credit card,
stop charging and pay biweekly. The sooner you get the payment
to the company, the less interest you will pay. The company is
obligated to process your payment the day it arrives. |
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communication |
Talking when the sun comes up
Take the time when the kids are still in bed to have a quiet
breakfast with your spouse. It will give you a chance to talk
about what’s important when you are at your peak – instead of at
the end of the day, when you’re both exhausted from work and
kids’ activities. |
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time |
It’s about time..!
Break bread together. Establish a tradition that at least one
meal a day will be eaten together – without the interference of
the TV news, interruptions for telephone conversations or the
need to rush. Plan for a one-hour window of time to just sit at
the dining table, eat a meal and discuss the future. The slower
you eat, the less heartburn you will have and the greater love
you will have for your spouse. |
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