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he says...she says...
what
should they do?
Sarah and Rick have been married for 17
years. Sarah’s brother lost his job recently and
wants financial help. Sarah and Rick disagree about
giving money to her brother.
she says...
My brother lost his job - we have to
help
Sarah says: Tom is the baby
of our family, and it was always my
job to take care of him. Rick
doesn’t realize how hard it’s been
for him - Tom is very gifted and he
is often unappreciated by his
employers. He’s always been a
generous uncle to our kids and now
I’d like to repay some of that
generosity. It will bite into our
savings, but not be a catastrophe,
if we pay his mortgage for two or
three months. |
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he says...
I don't want to support her
deadbeat relatives
Rick says:
Sarah’s brother, Tom,
lost his job a few months ago.
Apparently, his savings have run out
and he’s facing foreclosure on his
house. Sarah wants us to pick up his
mortgage payments for a couple of
months or so, until he gets back on
his feet. But I don’t think Tom has
been trying very hard to get a job -
he seems to be waiting for the
“perfect opportunity.” I think he
needs to find anything that will pay
the bills, and not expect us to
support him. |
The expert says: RAs
generally happens in a
relationship between two normal
people, this disagreement has
little to do with the topic at
hand - money - and much more to
do with
underlying issues. This
situation is complicated,
delicate and sensitive because
it involves an extended family
member; the biological bond
between a brother and sister was
created long before the marital
bond. To get closer to the root
of the issue, Rick and Sarah
would be wise to discover the
real issue by asking each other
questions such as, “Why should
we?” or “Why shouldn’t we?” They
also need to reflect on “How
does it make me feel when I am
asked to …?”, and “How does this
issue impact our core values as
a couple, and each of us
individually?”
If Rick and Sarah can discuss
their feelings about assisting
Tom financially, it might put
them closer to a solution both
could accept. For example, one
of Rick’s underlying issues
appears to be Tom’s lack of
initiative in finding work to
pay the mortgage. Possibly even
deeper is Rick’s apparent
dislike for the way Tom has
approached what Rick perceives
as Tom’s responsibility to be a
male household provider - a
provider who will do whatever it
takes to succeed. Rick appears
to take a dim view of Tom
waiting for the “perfect
opportunity.” If Tom were
working full time and still
could not make ends meet, it’s
possible that Rick would quickly
come to Tom’s rescue as “one
provider to another.”
On the other hand, Sarah’s
approach to Tom is one of
caregiver. She has always felt
responsibility to look after Tom
and rationalizes his problems as
being caused by others and not
by Tom himself. Rick and Sarah
are facing a situation where
fact and logic are wrapped in
feelings and emotions. The
latter must be dealt with first
before fact and logic are
allowed to shed light on a
workable solution for them as a
married couple.
Our initial recommendation is
for Rick and Sarah to list the
pros and cons of how this
situation is affecting their
relationship. Once they can
identify how it is affecting
their relationship, they can
narrow in on the “why.” If they
can’t do this without heat and
anger, they should write a
letter to each other expressing
their feelings - making sure
they use “I” language and don’t
resort to finger-pointing. If
they cannot work through this on
their own - realizing that the
most important thing in their
lives is their marriage - they
should seek professional help.
Email questions and comments
to:
marriage@faithmag.com
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romance |
Thanks
for the memories
When it comes to romance,
memories can be very powerful.
Surprise your spouse by putting
a little memory book together.
Gather special photographs,
movie tickets, love letters,
poems, seashells, pinecones,
pressed flowers etc. |
|
money |
Think
retirement
You know what they say about
that light at the end of the
tunnel - it could be the
headlamp of an oncoming train!
If you don’t want to be crushed
by unexpected poverty at
retirement, think about it now -
contribute to a 401(k) and talk
to an investment counselor. |
|
communication |
Saying
“thanks”
Remember to say “thank you” for
all the little things your
spouse does for you. Does he
warm up the car in the morning?
Does she make your lunch for you
every day? Saying thanks makes
sure you don’t start taking
these loving everyday gestures
for granted. |
|
time |
It’s about
time!
Let children plan for you. Adults
who have a difficult time committing
to scheduled time together should
ask their children (any child will
do if you don’t have any close by)
to plan a “date night” for you. We
will follow through on their plan
even when we don’t follow through on
our own plans. |
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