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he says... she says...
what should they do?
Amy and Michael have been married for two years. Amy is
concerned that Michael flirts too much - Michael says he’s “just
looking.”
he says...
I’m just being friendly.
Michael says: I think Amy is making a mountain out of a
molehill. Sure, I like to look at pretty girls - what
red-blooded man doesn’t? But Amy is the one I love, and I have
always been faithful to her. Regarding the party she’s talking
about, what’s the point of going if you aren’t going to talk to
new people? If that’s a problem for Amy, maybe she should stay
home. |
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she says...
He flirts with other women.
Amy says: We were at a party the other night, and Michael
spent all his time chatting with the most beautiful woman in the
room, whom he clearly did not think was I. This happens all the
time - whenever we are out with friends, Michael charms the
prettiest woman there. And I feel invisible. Whenever I’ve
talked with him about how I feel, he always says something
smart-aleck, like “It’s OK to window shop as long as you buy at
home.” |
Expert Says: I think that it is
obvious that Michael needs to make a trip to the optometrist for
a new pair of glasses if he can’t tell that his wife is the most
beautiful person in the room! Jo Anne believes Michael’s
insensitivity is surpassed only by his immaturity. OK, now that
we have shown our biases in Amy’s favor, let’s view this
situation in greater detail. We both agree that Michael exhibits
the behavior of someone who doesn’t know how to address
feelings. He appears to have little respect for Amy or their
marriage. As parents, we have this unrealistic belief that all
who are old enough and declare their intent to be married have a
level of maturity that would preclude childish behavior.
Obviously, Michael has again proven us wrong. It is also evident
to us that Michael, not surprisingly given his exhibited
behavior and comments, doesn’t get the message Amy is trying to
send! In that respect, we can’t be too hard on Michael because
he is not alone in this - sometimes others don’t get the message
we are trying so desperately to send. Jo Anne and I have had
similar discussions and I can honestly say, “I didn’t get her
message the first time either.” Luckily for me, she continued to
express her desire for us to be together at social events and to
have fun together. I finally “heard” what she was saying to me
and, ever since then, we have enjoyed the events much more
because we are making memories together. We are experiencing the
same activities and participating in the same events as a
married couple and not as married singles.
Through the years, we have been fairly selective in attending
social and even family events. Those that permit us to be a
couple, participating in the same conversations and activities,
are high on our list to attend. In retrospect, those are the
times we have enjoyed the most. Those events that have the
ladies in one corner and the men in another corner, figuratively
speaking, each with their own “exclusive” territory, fosters
separation of spouses and not the growing together as a couple
we are called to become. Taken to the extreme, it can lead to
behaviors that builds barriers instead of removing barriers.
When your spouse is your best friend, your soul mate, the one
with whom you wish to spend the rest of your life, why would you
ever wish to be apart? It is not about making new friends with
the opposite gender, it is about becoming one with your spouse.
It is quite possible that Michael may need additional help in
understanding what his role is in a marriage and how to go about
treating Amy. One place Michael and Amy could turn to is
Scripture. In reading the New Testament, we would recommend you
focus on how Jesus treats his spouse - the church.
Jo Anne had a final note for Michael: Not all “red-blooded men”
behave in the manner you think. Teenage boys do, but not mature
men. |
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romance |
Romance
Nothing says “I love you” like an “attitude of gratitude.” Try
not to take your spouse or any daily kindnesses for granted. It
turns any ordinary day into an extraordinary one. End each day
together with a prayer of thanksgiving. |
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money |
Pay off the plastic
We’ve all heard this one before, but it bears repeating. Credit
card debt can suck your accounts dry. Pay off high-interest
credit cards as quickly as possible. If you can’t, at least
transfer the debt to a lower-interest card and make payments but
not purchases until you whittle away at the amount you owe. |
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communication |
Good Marriage
Extravert or introvert, what are you? More importantly, what is
your spouse? Extraverts tend to “think out loud” - if you are
married to one, you may need to patiently listen to the same
concerns more than once. Introverts need time to process - give
your inwardly-focused spouse some time to grapple with an issue
between you before having a serious discussion. |
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time |
It’s about Time..!
Cook and clean together. Cooking and cleaning are not gender
specific roles nor part of our DNA structure! It is however, a
great opportunity to build a relationship grounded in mutuality
and respect. It is a great opportunity to nourish the body and
soul while at the same time sharing the tasks and requirements
of daily life. |
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